Friday, June 25, 2010

Make Peace With My Body

I never really had any postpartun blues after I had little Caterpillar, but lately I have been feeling ashamed about my body. Even before the pregnancy, I packed up some extra fat to prepare for the first trimester morning sickness thing. I thought I would throw up crazily like my best friend, who got pregnant 5 months before me. What you know, that never happened to me! I guess it's partially genetics too, my mom and sister never had morning sickness. Instead, my appetite was super great. And at that moment, the only thing a mommy-to-be could think of is the health of her unborn baby. At least that's all I cared about. I was constantly worring about her, is my baby growing at the right speed, am I eating enough good food for her, did I take my prenatal vitamin and DHA last night, etc. Some mommies think about their own figures, so they intentionally control what they eat and how much calories they are eating. NOT ME! I wanted to provide a big buffet for my baby! =) So, I gained more than 50lbs at the end.

Well, I lost almost 30lbs after giving birth, and melted 10 more lbs during breastfeeding time. That was very exciting, but I was so concentrated on my new baby, never thought about my own weight issue. Then, our basement flooded twice while Stubborn was on business trips! So, I was working very hard to empty water with buckets and trying to save the furnace, since it was still very cold. My body must got a wrong signal, it stopped producing milk! MY POOR BABY! Little caterpillar was fine, she switched to formula without any complaint. But my weight loss also stopped. Now I still pack more than 10lbs on my belly and middle section, I feel so unhappy, especially when I get ready for work every morning. Most of my prepregnancy clothes won't fit. I finally squeezed into some of my favorite skirts or pants, but I ripped the bottons off at the end of the day! I feel so ugly. To make things even worse, at least 4 people asked me recently whether I am pregnant again with the second child! WHAT?!!! One of them is also a new mom, she had her little boy a month and half before me, and she went back to her prepregnancy figure in no time. So, she couldn't understand why I am still SO FAT! I had to defend myself, telling them this is still the left over weight from last pregnancy. They felt bad asking me that afterward, but I felt even worse. I have been trying to dress up for work, even though that's totally unnecessary. But I need to make myself look better!

UNTIL I read an article ("feel better naked" by Stephanie Dolgoff) in this month's Parenting Early Years magazine. "My daughters were too young to realize that a squishy front or behind is often considered a curse, not a plaything. But the truth is, all kids see their moms as dazzling goddesses, and in no way can a little cellulite detract from that. It's high time we took their cue and made peace with our post-kid shapes." I sat there reading this, and all of a sudden, I felt like a tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulder. What am I doing to myself? I have a beautiful baby, caring husband, good job, loving family and lots of great friends. Why am I pushing myself so hard? Well, I am lazy and not exercising, and I should do more to take care of myself. I admit that. I am working so hard around the house to provide comfort to my DH and baby, I believe my extra 10lbs baby weight will disappear. If the numbers Stephanie said were true, I can burn 126 calories just carrying my baby around for 30 minutes, and 90 cal. for putting away groceries, 135 cal. for walking / playing with kids, 90 cal. for pushing a stroller, 99 cal. for house work, 108 for cooking, and 184 cal. for gardening. I just need to give it time, and give myself some space to breath.

Now I just need to go buy some gorgeous sundresses to make myself feel even better. How about a big icecream cone? Hmm, maybe just a small one. Surprised? You expect a girl to quit icecream? Now your are insane!

No comments: